The Part of The Story Where Everything Changes
I lived. Man oh man did I live. I got into anything and everything,
Reckless at times, but still within certain limits. Something like if Hillary Banks where the protagonist in Coldest Winter Ever. Kinda. I transitioned into my curly haired innocence, it became my signature of this time.
It was Fall of 2010.
Fun times, late nights, and early mornings. I was a novelty, and it worked for me. I didn’t realize I was building a shallow identity.
But I was also in deep.
I was so far gone, in places where only my grandmothers prayers could reach me.
Almost as quickly as it started, was how soon it began to fall apart. Fraying at the seams, I wasn’t meant to be confined and his lies weren’t buying enough time.
This beat is for finale [odd seasons]
But beneath the surface, the inevitable was brewing. The end was near, because life like this, couldn’t last. Me and my “permission slip”, had started to live a life of pretend. Lying out of love. Loving out of fear. Manipulating out of selfishness. It was becoming harder to reconcile after each time.
I couldn’t keep up.
What started as a journey to find myself, was turning into an endeavor to lose myself all over again. I went from one extreme to the other, out of the shadow of my parents, into that of another, a lover.
I had to figure out what I wanted in life.
The faux empowerment I was given before, now showed its true colors. Restrictions. Limitations. And lies. The understanding I once felt, faded into a perverted sense of entitlement to my mind and my inner most desires.
I couldn’t keep up.
This was less of a breakup and more of a separation of ideals. I decided the best part of this journey, was the part where I was left with myself. Where I wasn’t part of a unit. Where I didn’t have to question intentions or trust. I no longer wanted twisted perspectives, redacted observations or shame for owning all of what was mine.
I was done with the drama.
So I buried my hurt and I bought every single book I could find. Everything from Spirit Junkie to Battlefield of the Mind. Why books? Because this new empowerment wasn’t going to be stripped away. It wasn’t going to change its colors over night, it was going to be learned, it was going to be mine. It wasn’t going to envy or belittle my growth and expansion, it was going to fuel it.
So what was left - nothing, this was the finale.
I was done with learning at the hands of others. I wanted to know what my life could mean for me, by me. I wanted my growth to know no limitations. I didn’t want my light dimmed by the discomfort of others, especially not those closest to me.
…and never again, by someone who claimed to love me.